So...how was your weekend?

Ok, so last weekend I decided to go out with a friend to the horse races. Sounded fun, never been, something new.

So I leave the little one with a trusted relative, knowing that he's somewhat upset lately about being left with anyone that's not as well known, and has a tendency to call me in the middle of the night wanting to come home. (I attribute this to the divorce being so new, and it being difficult to adjust to.)

I let the babysitter know where I was, but didn't tell my little one - the last thing I wanted to do was to have to tell him "No, you can't go because they don't let little one's in there" so I thought it better just not to say anything.

He gets wind of the fact that I left town, and went on a ballistic-for-a-moment-trip, during which he called his father and told him I "left" him. My ex-husband then proceeded to hunt me down 3 hours away from home, and showed up in the parking lot of the race track to tell me my son hates me and wants to go live with his dad so he'd be arranging to move back to town.

I persevere, and my friend and I go to dinner. Red Lobster - it was actually quite nice :)

Being bombarded with horrible thoughts of what my son is thinking, I decide I should call him after dinner, and I do. On the other end of the phone is a sniffling child begging me to come home and pick him up immediately. I told him that I'll be home around 1am and would come pick him up if he really wanted me to. He said he did, and I was true to my word.

Except, when I got there, this highly upset child that was steadfast wanting his mommy was gone to a friend's house to spend the night, and had left about 10 minutes after I'd spoken to him. It seems his friend called about 5 minutes after I'd spoken to him that night, and that sounded more important than waiting on his mother to come pick him up in a few hours.

Moral: A child's problem is only a problem for about 5 minutes, but it continues on for the parents for hours.

Needless to say, my weekend was ruined.

Beauty

Feeling as though you're the only one he wants to be with, the butterflies in your stomach when you know he's on the way over, the best sex and talk you've ever experienced, the most fun you've had in years leaving wonderful memories, his eyes, and knowing he's in control.

[Yeah, there's definitely beauty in that.]

Ugly

The fact that it is only for the dark hours, that he won't be staying, that you don't measure up, that your memories are only your own, that there is pain, hurt and heartbreak behind the sparkle and that it's all still just below the surface, and knowing you have no control over the fact that it's going precisely no where.

Happy New Year!
I hope all are having as happy a new year as I - and might I add, it is quite a happy one considering I have the day off. This fact, of course, is all one needs to make it a happy day.

Christmas came and went with all the excitement equivalent to stepping in a large pile of freshly-laid dog poop, and still, I have this damned tree to disassemble.

Ex-hubby and ex-mother-in-law came to visit and stayed with me (yes, with me) and while I enjoy her company, his is somewhat of a mixed-feeling-thing. He drove her back home a couple of days after Christmas, but he remains - like skunk-stinch. (Staying at someone elses place, however.)

And here I sit looking at this amazingly large pile of laundry and the completely assembled Christmas tree trying to decide what else I could possibly find to do today.